


had to let it go free and this love came back to me

by fullmetallizard



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: M/M, Tumblr Prompt, it's actually kind of sad, title makes it seem more cheerful than it is
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-29
Updated: 2016-04-29
Packaged: 2018-06-05 05:21:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6691279
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fullmetallizard/pseuds/fullmetallizard
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tumblr prompt:<br/>"You came back."</p>
            </blockquote>





	had to let it go free and this love came back to me

**Author's Note:**

  * For [the_musical_alchemist](https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_musical_alchemist/gifts).



> I very much do not own SNK.

Jean looked around, trying to get his bearings and figure out where he’d just woken up. He was sitting on a porch he didn’t recognize, looking out at a grassy backyard. He’d just stood to investigate when the screen door swung open.

Jean blinked a couple times to make sure his eyes weren’t tricking him. Marco stood in front of him, smiling just a little.

“Marco?” He asked, his voice coming out shockingly small.

“Hi, Jean.” His voice was the same, soft and open. Just like him.

Jean walked over and threw his arms around him, knocking them both off balance just a little. He felt solid and real in his arms. He held on for dear life, noting that he’d only gotten to hold him like this a few times, always in the dark of their quarters long after the other cadets had fallen asleep.

It was never in broad daylight before but Jean quickly realized he much preferred being able to see the dark silkiness of Marco’s hair, the freckles splattering kisses across his cheeks.

“ _You came back_ ,” Jean whispered, pressing his face into Marco’s neck and breathing in the smell of him.

Marco ran his fingers through the short hair of his undercut. “Not quite, love,” he murmured.

Like a bucket of cold water, Jean could clearly see back to the day when he stumbled upon Marco’s broken and torn body, the smell of it sickening even through the mask he wore.

“Am…am I dead?” Would he mind if he was? If the afterlife was a quiet house in a field with Marco beside him, would it really be so bad?

Marco broke the embrace and cupped the side of Jean’s face. “You’re not. You’re just asleep.”

“So this is just a dream?” He felt his face fall. He willed the burn of tears away before they had a chance to fall.

“I don’t know how to explain it,” Marco smiled. “But at least we can be together for a little while.”

“Where are we?” He asked, sitting down in the chair next to the one Marco had occupied.

“I don’t know,” Marco said quietly. “But it’s nice, isn’t it?”

Jean’s throat was too closed to attempt answering but he reached for his hand, feeling the warmth and roughness of it.

After a few minutes, Jean couldn’t stop the tears welling up and spilling over. “I’m sorry,” he said, feeling panic holding his heart in a steely grip. “I’m so sorry.”

“What are you sorry for?” Marco smiled sadly.

“I loved…love you. And I never told you that. You changed my entire life. I joined the Scouts because of you.”

“And I’m proud of you for that,” Marco said softly, reaching over to rub Jean’s shoulders. “You’re making the world a better place.”

“It doesn’t matter!” Jean snapped, unable to stop his angry tone.

“Why wouldn’t it matter?” Marco asked, brow furrowing in confusion.

“Why do I care if the world is better if you’re not in it?” He whispered, pressing his hands to his eyes and taking several deep breaths to calm down.

“Oh, Jean,” Marco sighed. He leaned forward and took him in his arms. “It matters because you’re still alive. Because the rest of you are alive and you deserve to have a world built out of something more than fear.”

“I want you to come back. I don’t know how to do this without you.”

“Well, you’ll figure it out. I know you.”

Jean closed his eyes at words, wishing with every cell of his body.

“I knew you loved me,” Marco smiled. “You never had to say it. I could tell.”

Jean sighed and buried his head in the taller boy’s chest, the relief rolling off of him in waves. As long as he lived, no matter how long or short that time may be, he didn’t think he’d ever know a regret as strong as thinking Marco might not have known how much he loved him, how much he kept him going, even now.

“I miss you,” Jean whispered, pressing his cheek against the soft cotton of Marco’s shirt.

“I miss you too. But you’ll find a way to be happy without me.”

“But that’s…not fair,” he sighed, gripping Marco tighter to him.

Marco rubbed his back in soothing circles. “It’s not. Nothing in our lives really has been. But it makes me happy that you’re one of the people fighting to change that.”

“I’m…I’m afraid.”

“Of course you are. I’d be worried if you weren’t. But you’re the bravest person I know.”

Jean’s entire body shuddered. “What was that?” He asked, looking up.

Marco tried to hide a frown. “You’re waking up.”

“I don’t want to,” he said. His body shuddered again and the world around him dimmed a few hues.

“It’s okay. Everything will be okay.”

“Will I see you again?” He asked, tears coming faster than ever.

At this, Marco’s eyes welled up as well. “Probably not, love. But try not to let that get you down too much.”

His body moved without his permission once more and the grass of the yard was completely washed out at this point. “No!” He reached forward frantically and pressed his lips clumsily against Marco’s before this world could take him away too.

“I love you,” Marco whispered.

Then everything was black.

Jean shot up and stared around the dingy room they’d been staying in. His lips were still warm and buzzing and he pressed his fingers to them to keep the feeling alive as long as possible.

“Jean,” Armin said, looking at him with wide-eyed concern. “It’s your shift for watch.”

Jean nodded, trying to catch his breath. “Okay. Yeah.”

He rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and then sat against the doorframe, wanting more than anything to be back in the dream he’d just had. It was the closest he’d felt to whole in a long time.

He clenched his fist and looked down at his shaking fingers.

“Please,” he whispered. “Please come back.”


End file.
